Glowing

Last night was a late night movie, the second to be exact. We did not finish the Mahabharata until about 2AM. We are also still finishing up Half Moon pose in which we present our Half Moon dialogue to Bikram directly in addition to our 420+ fellow yogi trainees. As my friends cross the stage I cannot help but notice that we are all glowing! Bald heads are shiny, shoulders are squeaky clean, and arms are glowing as they touch the ceiling in Half Moon. No one is immune to how clean our bodies are becoming by cleaning them out from day to day. Personally, I have always said that the one thing Bikram Yoga does not help me with is my skin. I stand corrected. I simply was not doing enough yoga. I am now starting the second week and clogged pores in my face that no aesthetician could get to and no needle could penetrate are working their way out. Sure, I still break out a bit but the overall smoothness of my skin is 110% improved. Everyone is glowing.

Upon arriving, we all received samples of Bikram Balance. The product is designed not as a meal replacement as there is no protein in it, but as a supplement ideally used for early morning yoga sessions when you don't have time to eat first. Emmy Cleaves says that we must come to class with something in our stomach and I don't mean a steak. She says it should be something like fruit that can work its way down quickly so we can get the nutrients but not be hindered by digestion during class. The Bikram Balance is great for that if only it didn't taste like spirulina mint toothpaste. With that said, it does serve a purpose but for now while my body is still holding up I am shoveling an orange every morning into my mouth before class. I am drinking 6-8 liters of water a day and supplementing with electrolyte pills before and after class, juice from half a lemon in the morning with 10 drops of Concentrace, and an EmergenC packet in the evenings. Ice water has never tasted so good.

Day 3: Compassion

Yesterday I was so exhausted that I couldn't make it to the hill to go snowboarding after my morning class. My body felt fantastic though, there is nothing else on earth that enables me to feel like I do after a Bikram Yoga class. Today I got some mountain time in the AM and took a later class. After snowboarding, my legs always feel stronger in class even as random bruises from boots and bumps start to surface.

I am dealing with a stiff neck. That is not a good way to start a challenge, because if I remember correctly.. it only get's harder before it doesn't get harder (not going to say it gets easier). To deal, I am not turning my head in right Triangle, Final Spinal, and today I sat out Rabbit.. and I love Rabbit. Lately I have been able to feel my vertebrate separating in that posture and it fells amazing. Teach gave me some great advice to really let it all go in Standing Separate Leg Stretching Pose, letting my spine hang down, gravity pulling it towards the floor. We are supposed to do this in every class, but today I let my focus center there. While doing this, I almost forgot about my screaming hamstrings.. almost.

Yesterday, my teach was very hands on. Finding a Bikram Yoga teacher who is confident enough to make corrections AND has eyes in the back of their head is a rarity and a gift. He makes it possible to be in every.single.moment. of class. With my neck and back muscles clenched from my stiff neck, by the end of Half Moon, I was out of breath. I was, as my teacher put it, suffering. Staring down at the floor with my chest heaving, I did not panic. I stood on my mat, in my space, and reminded myself not to judge the fact that it was so early in class and already I was loosing steam. I would trust myself to catch my breath and I would trust myself to join back in when I was ready. Teach noticed and said, "Kirsten, you are suffering. That is alright but look in the mirror and witness yourself suffering." What a beautiful and honest joy to for my teacher to see me in that moment and to be there to lean on.

Giddy

I did it. I did it with so much joy I felt like the entire room thought I had taken a hefty dose of MDMA before class.

I approached my teacher before class and told her quickly and giddily with tears in my eyes. 'TODAY'S MY FIRST DAY BACK IN OVER A MONTH'. I did a bunny hop too (such a yoga dork). She said I would be fine... to which I replied, "I know but I am having some heart problems so I will stand in the back and sit down if needed and leave when and if I need to."

She said of course and gave me a curious glance.

I didn't leave the room. It was quite the opposite with no irregular heartbeats to speak of. I pushed hard but not too hard. I even saw my partner in the corner who also hadn't been in a month and a half. (We got hitched and honeymooned in Indonesia for a month but more on that in another post). He had sloppy arms but not I!

The hardest posture was Awkward as my legs have gotten weaker. My favorite posture was Final Spinal in which I had a breakthrough by pulling into and up through my core like I never have before (that rhymes).

I told my fear to shove it with a royal 'F-U' and p.u.s.h.e.d. Camel to my limit letting my heart know that I was not afraid. Twice, I could have stayed there all day.

I was dizzy in Rabbit, which was my only freak out.

My alignment in Half Moon was less than stellar thanks to my long time not practicing.

So today I am in another State and another city with no Bikram Studio. I sit recuperating and sore from my first day back with my second love (Bikram). I have never wanted to be a teacher more in my life. Life looks good.

A teacher recommended 'fish oil' supplements to help with faster healing of sore muscles.. but I am a vegetarian and don't trust the source of a supplement titled 'fish oil'. I am looking for a vegetarian supplement that would help me and my sore overstretched muscles recoup more efficiently.

*Photo from http://favim.com

Random Banter on Backbends and Hips

I have recommitted to my practice. I owe some of this newfound enthusiasm to a gigantic water-bottle that I picked up at 7eleven. I know you are supposed to use water as a tool and not as a crutch, but that crutch has totally helped me to recommit.

A couple notes.

Backbends.

Camel Pose- I am a sloucher. I let my shoulders slump forward for every occasion and Camel takes every single one of the muscles that bend forward when I slouch (which is all the time) and bends them the opposite way. In Ustrasana you are literally pushing your heart against your chest, and as I push forward with my ass squeezed tight like a coconut, I can do anything. It was not always this way. Ustrasana requires so much effort and positivity while I crawl to its setup on my hands and knees. Its rewards are glorious.

Half Moon Backbend- This posture still eludes me. If I go far back and look at the wall behind me, I hinge on the wrong joints so I supposed that I am not ready to go far back. I keep waiting, impatiently for a breakthrough but it never comes. I am so stiff there.. what gives? Oh, and get this, I can do a backbend (gymnastics style).

Hips.

I actually singled out my hips during Eagle Pose yesterday. Behold the mind-body connection. I was able to move into 'dem hips' and adjust them, soo cool (at least for a yoga dork).

Final Spinal- I feel my hips stretch here and it wasn't until over a year of consistant practice that this connection was formed. This is why you don't sit on your heal when you are setting up in that posture. After a teacher adjusted me in this posture and then asked if I felt it in my hips (I was dumbfounded and my eyes undoubtedly went cross-eyed as I furrowed my brow). Hips? What? Two classes later, bam.

Triangle- with all of the heavey breathing and internal nursery rhymes I sing to my body during this posture to stay in it, my hips are actually being stretched too. Is there no end to what this posture does to my sweaty body?

Part 1: Standing Series: After 1 year and a 30 day challenge this is where I'm at.

Standing Deep Breathing -Pranayama - In this posture, my back and shoulders resist my first attempts at movement. When breathing out my elbows struggle against lifting toward the ceiling while keeping my chest lifted. Breathing in, I enjoy the way my stomach and chest stretch both in the mirror and within. I either find myself smiling by the end of it, or I breeze through the the posture. Some days my legs feel strong and capable like a centaur, but when I look in the mirror they don't match the feeling. There is no in between for me with this one. I either enjoy it or don't, it was never just ok.

Half Moon Pose- Ardha-Chandrasana with Pada- Hasthasana- My expression of this posture (side to side) is powerful and strong. I am a flower petal blooming and I ground the posture from me feet to my fingertips. My eyes follow the curve of my body in the mirror as I visualize a crescent moon. My right side is stronger and more flexible than my left. I often feel a pinching in the left side of my back in this posture. This is not the same type of pinch that happens when I don't lift up through the chest. The pinch is in the same place I carry my stress, the same place I pull my muscles repeatedly. This posture does give me energy for the rest of class and I am constantly reminding myself that pushing in this posture will not wear me out, but will pump me up. When I bend over to grab my feet, on flexible days, I can straighten my legs and I more often than not enjoy the posture. After first set, no matter how hard I try in the posture, coming up in the finale is like a breath of fresh mountain air.


Awkward Pose- Utkatasana This posture is rarely hard for me to hold. The first part, I sometimes don't really get. i do it, and open my chest but don't really see the point of the posture... what I am saying is that I don't really see the yoga in it. This second part of the posture on the tippie toes, I do get but my body doesn't. It is always a struggle for me to bring my hips forward and my upper body back. I see this as more of a 'structural' problem that is slowly correcting itself over time with a little push from me. Always trying always improving. Instructors often tell me to lean back.. I KNOW I am not leaning back in perfect alignment and it is because my body is not ready. At least this is how I see it. The third part of the posture, I enjoy visualizing 3x 90degree angles and pretend that I am the box. I don't bounce because my knees suck. This posture is supposed to be good for cold feet. I have yet to see the benefits of that because my feet are always cold.

Eagle Pose- Garurasana I love this posture. Connecting with my breath, inhales and exhales iare so beautifully self explanatory in this posture. I carry all of my happiness, sadness, stress, life in my upper back muscles and I relish the moment I swing my arms one under the other, then pull down to connect with those muscles. Sometimes when I am really hot and class seems to be an enormous effort, I just stay in that first part and feel my shoulder muscles stretch. In Bikram's book he says that you should press wherever you feel pressure in this posture and I remind myself of this while I am in it. This posture is so dynamic with so many places to focus on.

Standing Head to Knee- Dandayamana-Janushirasana My standing leg burns and my lower back is always sore after this one. 1 year and a 30 day challenge later and I still kick out only occasionally. As long as that standing leg is strait, you get the benefit so what is the rush right? I am plenty challenged holding the posture and not falling out- while not kicking. Sometimes I am able to kick out, the left leg kicks out easier than the right one and in this posture I am painfully aware of how my legs and hips were put together funny. I am constantly working on this one, I am only now finding peace in it.

Standing Bow Pose Dandayamana-Dhanurasana Strength, focus, laughter. I refuse do get frustrated when I fall out of this one, it is a decision that I made from the beginning and one that I plan to stick to. Lately this posture has been very solid. My left side is not as flexible but seems to have better alignment. My right side is more flexible and I enjoy going to my edge. Not much else in that hot room is as gratifying as holding this posture for the full 60 seconds. When teachers stand in the front row, I gape at how beautiful this posture is. This is the posture that first helped me to understand what an 'asana' was. This stillness I find in this posture transcends my ego and holds my Self.

Balancing Stick- TuladandasanaI am strong and capable in this posture. Aware of my body, balance, and alignment, I work on tightening. This is the most fun posture for me to watch when I sit out. All the bodies! Everyones uniqueness comes through, tall, small, apples, oranges, broken umbrellas are funny.

Kitsilano

Do you ever have those classes where you feel weak, like someone took your muscles out for a drive and never came back?

My body felt this way yesterday AND today. Yes I am hydrated.

My Bikram studio has two locations. For my entire Bikram career, I have been going to the one same location but today, because of timing of the classes- I tried the other location. WOW.

It is so much bigger and newer and again WOW! My instructor (who I've had before at the other location) made two corrections.
Feedback makes me giddy.

She said two things:

First, during Pranayama at the beginning of class, She told me to lift my chest . I DO fill it and lift it with breath, but it was a structural modification. She shifted my upper body around. It felt different, but when she let go for second set- I couldn't seem to get back to where she had put me. Humph!

Second, Half Moon Pose she told me to push my hips forward more. THANK YOU! Thank you for seeing me stuggling with my alignment and helping me Julia! Muchas gracias.

I am happy with todays class and new studio experience but I probably had more eye rolling and dramatic pauses during class today than I ever had. It was just so damn hot, I ran out of water, obsessed about that for a while, and as mentioned above I felt weak.

That brings me to another point.

I go to Bikram yoga to help me on my road to well- being.. but also to be present. But.. how much of class do I spend waiting for it to be over! I think, I just have to get my yoga in for the day. Or when would it fit better into my day, early or late.. aren't I supposed to be enjoying the postures.

Aren't I supposed to be enjoying my yoga time and not just going through the motions to get it done for the day?

**Photo- my niece manipulated poor Ken into downward dog... on the dog.

Feeling Witty

Bikram Yoga is ideal for everyone because:

If you are into self loathing:
Putting yourself through hell for 90 mintues will suit you just fine. It might even eventually help you not to loath.

If you are into getting a workout and burning some unwanted calories:
No other exercise will work every muscle in your entire body. Where else can you loose 700 calories in a 90 minute time period?

If you don't like people pushing you:
The instructor will try, but really, Bikram Yoga is all about you pushing yourself so you can go as hard or as soft as you like. Hell, just lay there as long as you are laying the right way and trying the right way.

If you have an injury:
That heat is therapeutic. With 26 'beginner' asanas you can sit out some and reap the benefits of others.

If you are 'mental':
Those 90 minutes will help you get out of your head, especially as time wears on.

If you are old:
You don't have to be flexible. Get it through your head, it is NOT about flexibility, it is about body alignment and trying your best.

If you are ugly (I don't really believe you are ugly):
You will have every opportunity to stare at yourself and find peace in the collective you staring back.

If you don't have a boyfriend:
Bikram yoga is addictive. It will be your boyfriend from now on.

If you hate the heat:
You are shit out of luck.


Class was SO crowded. The max occupancy for the hot room where I practice is 40. There were 45 people in there. That means it was muy caliente!

I went for all the backbends except camel because I was loosing consciousness in the heat. That is thanks to Lacey's encouragement.

My right knee swelled steadily through class and I could actually feel my lower back get hotter than the rest of my body.

Favorite posture today: Ardha Chandrasana - Half Moon
Worst Posture today :Dnadayamana Dhanurasana- Standing Bow


P.S. What a great idea. Recycle your stinky yoga mat instead of letting it collect dust or throwing it away. Click here.

Back in Black

I want back in the hot room. I didn't want to leave after class today and that is a first- maybe even a one and only!

But let me begin by saying that today was my first healthy day back at Bikram, I have not practiced in 10 days at my last post. I am definitely not 100%, not even close but I am trying the right way my 100%.

I said goodbye chiro and hello massage. My body has always responded well to massage and I should have went with my gut feeling regarding that, but I didn't. I made a mistake. Hopefully no irreparable damage was done, and I don't believe it was.

After two sessions with Jackie RMT I have the 'ok' to practice again but still careful on the backbends. Don't worry, I didn't even attempt one today because my back is so sensitive. The muscles tire so quickly and I am looking at my yoga practice getting back to good in terms of several months time. I am not rushing this and I really need to go slow.

My body is walking a tight rope between injury and strengthening and I am balancing ever so carefully. But back, I am back and oh my it was so hot in there. It was awesome because it is 15 degrees in Vancouver right now and my feet feel like ice cubes. I was ready to do another class, but I must listen to my body. My mind actually wanted to stay!

What backbends should I start to ease into, which ones should I totally avoid? I am only doing one set each of spine strengthening series because it where I am at right now. I am not even attempting floor bow.

I am going to be so sore tomorrow.

Favorite posture of the day: Standing bow pulling pose - Dandayamana Dhanurasana
Least favorite posture of the day: Half moon pose - Ardha Chandrasana

Back on the wagon

My last two classes are proof that I am back on the wagon. The Bikram wagon! With all other sports, even when I get tired of doing them... ie running I can still run as far as the day before even if my heart isn't in it. With Bikram yoga when, when one thing is off, my entire class can so easily go awry. Putting the past week in perspective- it doesn't seem like a big deal that I had a couple of off classes. So what if I lost my drive to go. But at that time, it felt like all hope was lost. I was off the wagon, never to recover. The end of the world.

Victoria taught my first class back in December. She also taught my class today. She went easy on us and let quite a bit of fresh air in. I was in the hot corner of the room so I didn't reap all the benefits of that cool rush. The first back bend of class during Ardha Chandrasana was magnificent! I definitely can't always go that far back.. especially in the morning. But today and last class too- both at 8PM, I could see my reflection in the glass window behind me. I feel my strong back opening up as how I used my arms to guide my body back and down. My arms are the compass in that asana. They are really driving me forward.. well back... but forward. I am more excited and less fearful.

My expression of Dandayamana-Janushirasana is still not that deep. My goal each time is to simply hold the asana with leg suspended but bent for the first 60 seconds. I try to kick at least 1X during the second set. Sure this is working for me, but I don't see much progress here.

I felt strong and confident during Trikonasana. With my strong class and extra fresh air I was really able to reach for the ceiling, open my chest, and push my hip down. I didn't cheat today!

I did not have that nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach during Ustrasana. Instead I pushed my hips forward, made my chest big and proud like a lioness, and sang to the mountains! Well.. not really because it was still hot in there- don't get me wrong.


I have two concerns. Firstly, I am finding that my legs and harms go numb more easily while I am sleeping and while I am sitting at a desk. This is disconcerting and for some reason I link it to my yoga practice. Secondly- I repeatedly have to suppress the urge to pee during class. I make sure to go right before but for some reason the urge gets magnified. Maybe too much info.. maybe some has the same problems?

**The photograph is of me (left) and my friend Karolyn (right). She is the one who introduced my to Bikram Hatha Yoga.

Nonetheless

I have gotten to this point in class where I am capable. I am capable of trying the correct way, the right way, the hard way. But I am not capable of giving it my 100%. It is just so hard. So hard to push myself to go that extra inch down when I am so happy with my progress up until this point. More benefits will come if I could just push myself. I must inspire myself but I am at a loss for how.

Ardha Chandrasana. How in the world is my body is supposed to bend in this way? I try to relax the muscles in my neck.. back.. so on. I can do a standing backbend with my legs separated, but I have no illusions that it is the same concept. I am lost here. The photo to the right is a beautiful expression of this pose. Her depth is not as deep as I have seen but it is beautiful nonetheless. *Photo from Amina Lahbabl*

Hot Mess

My body was inflexible and stiff today. I rolled out of bed and into class, not really prepared and with no intention. For the first time, my lower back actually felt heavy and slow. Maybe this is because, this part of my body is changing? I noticed it from the beginning during Pada Hastasana that it was stiff and it continued throughout class- it just wouldn't move quickly. A new sensation.

During Ardha Chandrasana over the past couple of weeks, I cannot seem to find the determination to go deep into it. When I first started Bikram- I prided myself on my flexibility and form in that pose. Lately it has been only form that I strive for. It take such effort at the beginning of class during that pose, I do not want to tire myself. So I modify it. I don't know if this is correct or if I should give it all I got from the start and tire out more quickly. I sort of dread going tomorrow.. more of the same hott mess. Grrr.

I checked Bikram's Beginning Class out of the library again. Hoping to find some answers there.

It is so easy to forgot the ways that yoga changes my whole life when I look only at the pain and heat for that hour and a half each day. I must keep it in perspective. It is hard.