Part 1: Standing Series: After 1 year and a 30 day challenge this is where I'm at.

Standing Deep Breathing -Pranayama - In this posture, my back and shoulders resist my first attempts at movement. When breathing out my elbows struggle against lifting toward the ceiling while keeping my chest lifted. Breathing in, I enjoy the way my stomach and chest stretch both in the mirror and within. I either find myself smiling by the end of it, or I breeze through the the posture. Some days my legs feel strong and capable like a centaur, but when I look in the mirror they don't match the feeling. There is no in between for me with this one. I either enjoy it or don't, it was never just ok.

Half Moon Pose- Ardha-Chandrasana with Pada- Hasthasana- My expression of this posture (side to side) is powerful and strong. I am a flower petal blooming and I ground the posture from me feet to my fingertips. My eyes follow the curve of my body in the mirror as I visualize a crescent moon. My right side is stronger and more flexible than my left. I often feel a pinching in the left side of my back in this posture. This is not the same type of pinch that happens when I don't lift up through the chest. The pinch is in the same place I carry my stress, the same place I pull my muscles repeatedly. This posture does give me energy for the rest of class and I am constantly reminding myself that pushing in this posture will not wear me out, but will pump me up. When I bend over to grab my feet, on flexible days, I can straighten my legs and I more often than not enjoy the posture. After first set, no matter how hard I try in the posture, coming up in the finale is like a breath of fresh mountain air.


Awkward Pose- Utkatasana This posture is rarely hard for me to hold. The first part, I sometimes don't really get. i do it, and open my chest but don't really see the point of the posture... what I am saying is that I don't really see the yoga in it. This second part of the posture on the tippie toes, I do get but my body doesn't. It is always a struggle for me to bring my hips forward and my upper body back. I see this as more of a 'structural' problem that is slowly correcting itself over time with a little push from me. Always trying always improving. Instructors often tell me to lean back.. I KNOW I am not leaning back in perfect alignment and it is because my body is not ready. At least this is how I see it. The third part of the posture, I enjoy visualizing 3x 90degree angles and pretend that I am the box. I don't bounce because my knees suck. This posture is supposed to be good for cold feet. I have yet to see the benefits of that because my feet are always cold.

Eagle Pose- Garurasana I love this posture. Connecting with my breath, inhales and exhales iare so beautifully self explanatory in this posture. I carry all of my happiness, sadness, stress, life in my upper back muscles and I relish the moment I swing my arms one under the other, then pull down to connect with those muscles. Sometimes when I am really hot and class seems to be an enormous effort, I just stay in that first part and feel my shoulder muscles stretch. In Bikram's book he says that you should press wherever you feel pressure in this posture and I remind myself of this while I am in it. This posture is so dynamic with so many places to focus on.

Standing Head to Knee- Dandayamana-Janushirasana My standing leg burns and my lower back is always sore after this one. 1 year and a 30 day challenge later and I still kick out only occasionally. As long as that standing leg is strait, you get the benefit so what is the rush right? I am plenty challenged holding the posture and not falling out- while not kicking. Sometimes I am able to kick out, the left leg kicks out easier than the right one and in this posture I am painfully aware of how my legs and hips were put together funny. I am constantly working on this one, I am only now finding peace in it.

Standing Bow Pose Dandayamana-Dhanurasana Strength, focus, laughter. I refuse do get frustrated when I fall out of this one, it is a decision that I made from the beginning and one that I plan to stick to. Lately this posture has been very solid. My left side is not as flexible but seems to have better alignment. My right side is more flexible and I enjoy going to my edge. Not much else in that hot room is as gratifying as holding this posture for the full 60 seconds. When teachers stand in the front row, I gape at how beautiful this posture is. This is the posture that first helped me to understand what an 'asana' was. This stillness I find in this posture transcends my ego and holds my Self.

Balancing Stick- TuladandasanaI am strong and capable in this posture. Aware of my body, balance, and alignment, I work on tightening. This is the most fun posture for me to watch when I sit out. All the bodies! Everyones uniqueness comes through, tall, small, apples, oranges, broken umbrellas are funny.

Gratitude

My instructor last night was there with me. He was there with every breath, grimace, and fidgety wipe of sweat. He even helped me forget about how small my shakti bra was. My bozongas were not in the way last night!

It was my first class with Dylan but it won't be my last. Yesterday was day 3 in a row for me. I went in with screaming hamstrings and the plan to just show up and get through class. During Ardha Chandrasana I was disabused of my plan.

Dylan learned my name. He used it throughout class.
Class was small and he learned everyones name.

As I bent forward during the first Pada-Hastasana my legs shaking instructor crouched down 5 feet from me, "lock your knees Kirsten you are so close, lock your knees, lock your knees." I was ALMOST there.

I started to come out of Standing Bow early but nope,"Kirsten your so close just a little longer."
My back leg kicked back up and I finished strong.

Deep (somewhat quiet) heaving breaths through my nose after first set of Trikosana, "Kirsten! you are holding your breath, this is not underwater yoga."

Laying flat on my back during the first set of standing leg head to knee, "What's wrong in the front row, do you need a hug?"
I received a sweaty half hug and then dragged my ass up and did second set.

During Savasana, instructor came up to me and leaned over me and said, "What time is it!?". I was dumbfounded.. What!? Maybe 8:45?? I thought to myself exhausted and confused.. then someone yelled, "Its Camel time." I laughed quietly with a shit eating grin. There was no way I was missing Camel and certainly no way I was leaving the room as he grabbed me some fresh water.

After class, a tear came as I thanked him for noticing me. For pushing me farther than I thought I could go. For helping me forget about 'thinking about how far I could go." What a unique teacher he is. How refreshing.

No posture is ever perfect. I try so hard to have correct form. I let go a little bit last night and went so much farther.

We Bikram Yogies dig within to find the courage to stay in the room. Dylan really helped me find it last night.

After a rough day, and my Ego post below, my faith in humanity is restored.

**Photo taken Vancouver Earthdance 2010, I am in there somewhere!

Organic

I am so much more flexible later in the day. Today was amazing and inspiring. I was actually able to get lock my knees during Pada- Hastasana. I did not experience the same stiffness in my back I had a beautiful meditation during class. As my thoughts ran, I was able to seperate myself from them. Looking at them like a highway which I could exit at anytime I wanted. It was a beautiful peaceful feeling as I began to explore the idea further in each Savasana as class progressed.

I felt like a pod, a little leaf attached to the tree of life. The tree being busy with thoughts and ideas. It is full of fast life with time unforgiving. Assuming we are all like the leafs on a tree taking rooted energy from the solid foundation of the tree and giving sunlight and energy good and bad back to the tree of life. I realize most people have no filters and many don't appreciate the power they have to give. I usually don't, or if I do- I don't have the confidence to act.

I meditated on the idea that I can control what I give back to the tree of life. I decided that, with this new awareness of my thoughts I will try to only give back positive and nutrient rich thoughts/energy. I know- I sound a little 'out there' and maybe a little cliche with the tree of life mumbo jumbo- but what a beautiful and comforting thought!!! What a safe warm feeling to be a beautiful green leaf, healthy enough to meet the sun each day. I am attached to this beautiful tree in all the seasons of my life. How beautiful is this yoga that inspires me to be conscious of my mind/body and my roll in this life.

A grown woman broke down in class today. She was crying. Our instructor asked her if she was ok- she said no. She stayed in the room.

Hot Mess

My body was inflexible and stiff today. I rolled out of bed and into class, not really prepared and with no intention. For the first time, my lower back actually felt heavy and slow. Maybe this is because, this part of my body is changing? I noticed it from the beginning during Pada Hastasana that it was stiff and it continued throughout class- it just wouldn't move quickly. A new sensation.

During Ardha Chandrasana over the past couple of weeks, I cannot seem to find the determination to go deep into it. When I first started Bikram- I prided myself on my flexibility and form in that pose. Lately it has been only form that I strive for. It take such effort at the beginning of class during that pose, I do not want to tire myself. So I modify it. I don't know if this is correct or if I should give it all I got from the start and tire out more quickly. I sort of dread going tomorrow.. more of the same hott mess. Grrr.

I checked Bikram's Beginning Class out of the library again. Hoping to find some answers there.

It is so easy to forgot the ways that yoga changes my whole life when I look only at the pain and heat for that hour and a half each day. I must keep it in perspective. It is hard.