Object

The posture is not the object, your body is. These words single-handedly changed my practice forever. I am on week 2 day 3 (class 16) of Bikram Teacher Training and so far it has become routine for a visiting teacher, usually a studio owner from anywhere in the world, to teach a morning class (8:30AM). Some coax us into the day with sugar and honey in their dialogue and some drill us hard like our teacher this morning who was pregnant and on the podium. She spoke these words that maybe I have heard before but today I really listened and applied. When I concentrate on this pearl of wisdom, my postures are deeper and there is less fighting the posture as I am not eagerly awaiting the transition to the next. It is after all about your body and not the posture.

Bikram likes to teach the evening classes(5:00PM) which usually works well for me because my evening classes are stronger and he often holds postures for longer and the class will stay in the posture until the person he is yelling at gets his correction. As far as the yelling goes, there is a lot of it. There is a lot of swearing and some really funny choice words that come out of his mouth.. but when it is hot strong language gets attention and works. For example, my foot will alway be on my pussy during Head to Knee with stretching pose, I will never forget to make sure it is on my pussy. With that said, Bikram cares so much for us. He wants us to do our best he wants us to push beyond our own hurdles and be regardless of his language (which I actually enjoy).
*Illustration of the Mahabarata by Mukesh Singh

If negativity breeds negativity then my negetivities are humping like bunnies

I am pooped.

Again I sat out many postures. I held back and had energy to spare by the end of class- which was cool because I 'saw' a little progress in Janushirasana with Paschimotthanasana (Head to Knee Pose). That came out of left field because I HATE that one. My body does NOT like to bend forward in that way.

Stomach Savasana (Dead body pose) was divine. I let my body sink into the floor for the full spine strengthening series (all about the healing today). The heat felt so peaceful and healthy. I just lay their and let my sore spine soak it up.

Dandayamana-Bibhaktapada-Janushirasana (Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee Pose ) was amazing. With all of my reserved strength, I was able to really dig deep in that one.

A dance partner

The room was packed. I was ONE foot from my neighbor... and I loved it. I don't know if the feeling was mutual but I really fed off her energy and had an amazing class. I hope she got something from me too.

With the seasonal temperature changing outside, the heat and humidity in the room is off. So it was a little cool in there today.

Good Class. My Janushirasana with Paschimotthanasana ( Head to Knee pose) was strong. I was able to flex my heal off the ground on both sides, elbows bent, forehead to knee, throat choked. I tapped into the way my body worked against itself- for itself- to compress.

I started to bend my elbows on the second set and left side of Dandayamana Janushirasana (Standing Head to Knee). Progress is a long time coming in that one. I am not confident that I will be able to repeat this step forward again so I will be happy with today.

Beauty!

I am still a student

Every once in a while, I stumble upon an idea that taps into this great energy. It goes something like this; positivity gives positivity in all rightness. It is an endless energy of circular proportions in my mind. I am reading a book on Ayurvedic Medicine, an introduction to. In my mind it is the concept of 'Pure Awareness'. It is how I rationalize my presence on this earth.

Regardless of whether or not you understand what I am trying to say above... here is a good point. We take much for granted. If I just stopped and said, 'My practice right now is all that I ever hoped it would be, and I am so grateful for it.' My life would be much more peaceful. My mind at rest. I guess in simple terms an appreciation of here and now is missing.

I want to stop grasping at the great energy of my ramblings in the first paragraph above, and just accept it's existence in my life.

"Many of us grew up with the belief that achieving success requires relentless hard work, grim determination and intense ambition. As a result, we may have struggled for years and even reached some of our goals but wound up feeling exhausted, our lives out of balance...such desperate striving isn’t necessary or even desirable. In the natural world, creation comes forth with ease. A seed doesn’t struggle to become a tree―it simply unfolds in grace." >- Deepak Chopra on the seven spiritual laws of success.

8PM class was humid. I am moving forward in my practice with deeper asanas and better control over the chaotic energies that I feel during the day. I had a different instructor today, he was just what I have been missing. He was hard on us and I needed it. He directed our focus as a class to set our pace/motivation during Pranayama Series and really tapped into our group energy to push and push and push. He reinforced a forgotten tip for Garurasana (Eagles Pose). Stick your butt out farther than you think you should while bringing your chest up to create the c-curve in your spine. On a separate note of progress, I lifted my left heal up with strength and flexibility to spare during Janushirasana with Paschimotthanasana (Head to Knee Pose).

I guess the themes of this post are two opposing energies. Hard-work versus acceptance. I am struggling with finding a happy median between the two.

Heat Wave

With the summer heat, I was super hesitant about practicing this morning. Yesterday consisted of me, a fan, and a couch. It was too hot to move. On the plus side, I drank a ton of water and nurtured myself. The past week has not been about well-being. It has been about pushing my personal boundaries to places I didn't want to go. Too much alcohol and to many pills.

The night time brings cooler air so I sucked it up and went to the 10AM.

Whenever Michelle teaches my classes, I have a good one. It is never too hot with her. She doesn't push us too hard to go somewhere new but instead has a true gift of guiding us to look honestly at ourselves and try.

Wise words from Michelle today, "If you get anxiety, imagine someone just walks up to you and slaps you across the face. Let it go." I honestly don't know where that comment came from but the next time my boundaries are being pushed somewhere I don't want them to go. I will visualize the slap!

Janushirasana with Paschimotthanasana is a constant source of adjustment and uncertainty for me. In gymnastics I held a variation of Janushirasana for minutes at at time on each leg every day. I believe that has caused my body to align in such a way that the correct expression of the posture in Yoga is very difficult for my body to re-learn. Therefore when I reach for my left or right foot, my torso twists, and the instructors are constantly correcting me but I feel like a fish out of water not quite sure where my body should be going. I am getting the compression part correctly I think. Flexibility is not the problem but alignment is. I can't seem to get out of my mind/body to see myself in this posture and progress is difficult.

Intention

I am focusing on some advice I was blessed with, 'walk myself hand by hand' slowly letting others see my vulnerabilities so that I may eventually shed my fears and see my power. This was a meditation today in practice. I know we aren't supposed to think, but I got lost in this place as I tried to look my teacher(myself) in the mirror.. Time flew. I have not practiced since my last post and have been eating way too much food. Good food.. but too much.

One of the bonuses of Yoga has been my ability to regulate my appetite and also the small improvements I have seen in the quality of life I lead without knee pain. The past couple of weeks, my dedication to Yoga has been erratic and I have probably gained 3 pounds. I do not nickel and dime when it comes to weight- what I mean by this is that I do not weigh myself and I eat what I want- however when my body gains even an ounce, my right knee screams. I am only 28 and have arthritis. It is limiting and I forgot how badly it hurt until yesterday- after not practicing- my knee felt like it was going to explode. A hint of what is to come as my age progresses. I am hoping that moving forward and after this practice, I will see some change in my knee. Either in more pain or less. I am hoping that it will get better.

I left the room today as well. It was so hot. The hardest part of the class for me lately is all of the asanas on my stomach. This is because I trap so much heat on the front side of my body when I lay on it. We all trap heat there and today it was unbearable. My eye started to twitch and I could see the blood beating to the rhythm of my heart in my eyeballs. I stretched farther and went hard, I am wrung out. My teacher made a correction during Janushirasana (head to knee pose). My feet tend to fall to the floor because that is how my body is aligned. She said to point the toes up toward the ceiling when flexing.

My intention for this week is to improve my posture. I believe my posture is the source for my continued re injury of my back muscles. See what happens when you don't go to yoga?-Your body falls apart- I cannot believe that this is how I used to live- with all of these little aches and pains.

While my intention for this next week may be posture. I see the power of setting an intention. It is a way to focus your energy even when you aren't consciously thinking about it. Manifestation. Intention. I am energy moving.

Take your time

Last night class was not hot enough. The humidifier was not on and the heater was blowing on me making my throat dry. I do not know if I will ever be able to say that again. So I will say it one more time. Class was not hot enough.

Our teacher taught me a trick during Janushirasana (head to knee pose). He said don't hurry. Reach out and grab your foot before you put your head to your knee. Look at your foot and pull your heal off the ground. Slowly turn your head to you knee. Take your time.

I am always so rushed in that pose and it was a nice reminder that the final expression of the pose is not always the most important part.