Hiatus and Recovery Complex

My outlook is a lemon right now.

After the last couple frustrating posts about changing and moving forward, another setback has taken over.
I don't really think you can categorize me into a glass half-full or glass half-empty kinda girl. My head is in the clouds most of the time but lately my body is too.

After last post, I was getting back into the hot room slowly but honestly. Now, after acute appendicitis I see my yoga practice and the glass is definitely half-empty. Actually... it's just empty.

My husband walks into the room as I lay in bed recovering, "Guess what!? The studio says I have taken 212 Bikram classes."

I explode. It just wasn't fair. What happened to this desire to become a yoga teacher? How can I see my path there when I can't even maintain a stable practice. When did our yoga practice become so daunting to me?

Dysphoria sets in. If you have had it or been there, you know it sucks.

We are moving and will be switching studios. This is something I am happy about, both the move and the switcheroo. I am eager to be a part of a studio that offers collective challenges (30 and 60 day). But my ego will take a huge hit when I walk in and say, "Yes I have taken a Bikram class before but it has been about 4 months since my I really practiced."

Yoga is within but I want so desperately to wear it on the outside. Putting on my big girl pants is shit.

I am getting better, I will live, I will never be back, I just need to go forward.


Mark said...

I am sorry to hear of your setback. Our studio has closed for renovation and we cannot practice. It is driving me nuts! Like you, yoga is within but very much want it visible. I hope you feel better soon and you find peace at your new studio!

Bikramyogajourney said...

Thanks Mark. I am still out of yoga for a bit. Peace to you.

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