Hot Mess

My body was inflexible and stiff today. I rolled out of bed and into class, not really prepared and with no intention. For the first time, my lower back actually felt heavy and slow. Maybe this is because, this part of my body is changing? I noticed it from the beginning during Pada Hastasana that it was stiff and it continued throughout class- it just wouldn't move quickly. A new sensation.

During Ardha Chandrasana over the past couple of weeks, I cannot seem to find the determination to go deep into it. When I first started Bikram- I prided myself on my flexibility and form in that pose. Lately it has been only form that I strive for. It take such effort at the beginning of class during that pose, I do not want to tire myself. So I modify it. I don't know if this is correct or if I should give it all I got from the start and tire out more quickly. I sort of dread going tomorrow.. more of the same hott mess. Grrr.

I checked Bikram's Beginning Class out of the library again. Hoping to find some answers there.

It is so easy to forgot the ways that yoga changes my whole life when I look only at the pain and heat for that hour and a half each day. I must keep it in perspective. It is hard.