Part 1: Standing Series: After 1 year and a 30 day challenge this is where I'm at.

Standing Deep Breathing -Pranayama - In this posture, my back and shoulders resist my first attempts at movement. When breathing out my elbows struggle against lifting toward the ceiling while keeping my chest lifted. Breathing in, I enjoy the way my stomach and chest stretch both in the mirror and within. I either find myself smiling by the end of it, or I breeze through the the posture. Some days my legs feel strong and capable like a centaur, but when I look in the mirror they don't match the feeling. There is no in between for me with this one. I either enjoy it or don't, it was never just ok.

Half Moon Pose- Ardha-Chandrasana with Pada- Hasthasana- My expression of this posture (side to side) is powerful and strong. I am a flower petal blooming and I ground the posture from me feet to my fingertips. My eyes follow the curve of my body in the mirror as I visualize a crescent moon. My right side is stronger and more flexible than my left. I often feel a pinching in the left side of my back in this posture. This is not the same type of pinch that happens when I don't lift up through the chest. The pinch is in the same place I carry my stress, the same place I pull my muscles repeatedly. This posture does give me energy for the rest of class and I am constantly reminding myself that pushing in this posture will not wear me out, but will pump me up. When I bend over to grab my feet, on flexible days, I can straighten my legs and I more often than not enjoy the posture. After first set, no matter how hard I try in the posture, coming up in the finale is like a breath of fresh mountain air.


Awkward Pose- Utkatasana This posture is rarely hard for me to hold. The first part, I sometimes don't really get. i do it, and open my chest but don't really see the point of the posture... what I am saying is that I don't really see the yoga in it. This second part of the posture on the tippie toes, I do get but my body doesn't. It is always a struggle for me to bring my hips forward and my upper body back. I see this as more of a 'structural' problem that is slowly correcting itself over time with a little push from me. Always trying always improving. Instructors often tell me to lean back.. I KNOW I am not leaning back in perfect alignment and it is because my body is not ready. At least this is how I see it. The third part of the posture, I enjoy visualizing 3x 90degree angles and pretend that I am the box. I don't bounce because my knees suck. This posture is supposed to be good for cold feet. I have yet to see the benefits of that because my feet are always cold.

Eagle Pose- Garurasana I love this posture. Connecting with my breath, inhales and exhales iare so beautifully self explanatory in this posture. I carry all of my happiness, sadness, stress, life in my upper back muscles and I relish the moment I swing my arms one under the other, then pull down to connect with those muscles. Sometimes when I am really hot and class seems to be an enormous effort, I just stay in that first part and feel my shoulder muscles stretch. In Bikram's book he says that you should press wherever you feel pressure in this posture and I remind myself of this while I am in it. This posture is so dynamic with so many places to focus on.

Standing Head to Knee- Dandayamana-Janushirasana My standing leg burns and my lower back is always sore after this one. 1 year and a 30 day challenge later and I still kick out only occasionally. As long as that standing leg is strait, you get the benefit so what is the rush right? I am plenty challenged holding the posture and not falling out- while not kicking. Sometimes I am able to kick out, the left leg kicks out easier than the right one and in this posture I am painfully aware of how my legs and hips were put together funny. I am constantly working on this one, I am only now finding peace in it.

Standing Bow Pose Dandayamana-Dhanurasana Strength, focus, laughter. I refuse do get frustrated when I fall out of this one, it is a decision that I made from the beginning and one that I plan to stick to. Lately this posture has been very solid. My left side is not as flexible but seems to have better alignment. My right side is more flexible and I enjoy going to my edge. Not much else in that hot room is as gratifying as holding this posture for the full 60 seconds. When teachers stand in the front row, I gape at how beautiful this posture is. This is the posture that first helped me to understand what an 'asana' was. This stillness I find in this posture transcends my ego and holds my Self.

Balancing Stick- TuladandasanaI am strong and capable in this posture. Aware of my body, balance, and alignment, I work on tightening. This is the most fun posture for me to watch when I sit out. All the bodies! Everyones uniqueness comes through, tall, small, apples, oranges, broken umbrellas are funny.

Kitsilano

Do you ever have those classes where you feel weak, like someone took your muscles out for a drive and never came back?

My body felt this way yesterday AND today. Yes I am hydrated.

My Bikram studio has two locations. For my entire Bikram career, I have been going to the one same location but today, because of timing of the classes- I tried the other location. WOW.

It is so much bigger and newer and again WOW! My instructor (who I've had before at the other location) made two corrections.
Feedback makes me giddy.

She said two things:

First, during Pranayama at the beginning of class, She told me to lift my chest . I DO fill it and lift it with breath, but it was a structural modification. She shifted my upper body around. It felt different, but when she let go for second set- I couldn't seem to get back to where she had put me. Humph!

Second, Half Moon Pose she told me to push my hips forward more. THANK YOU! Thank you for seeing me stuggling with my alignment and helping me Julia! Muchas gracias.

I am happy with todays class and new studio experience but I probably had more eye rolling and dramatic pauses during class today than I ever had. It was just so damn hot, I ran out of water, obsessed about that for a while, and as mentioned above I felt weak.

That brings me to another point.

I go to Bikram yoga to help me on my road to well- being.. but also to be present. But.. how much of class do I spend waiting for it to be over! I think, I just have to get my yoga in for the day. Or when would it fit better into my day, early or late.. aren't I supposed to be enjoying the postures.

Aren't I supposed to be enjoying my yoga time and not just going through the motions to get it done for the day?

**Photo- my niece manipulated poor Ken into downward dog... on the dog.

Digital Me

If you saw me, met me in person. Would I be the same as I am here on my blog?
Is the digital image you create for yourself an accurate depiction of you or is it simply what you want to present to the world? Wanting to present an image and being that image are one in the same but can be completely different altogether.

If I saw you in the hot room, I would be nervous.
I would be intrigued but intimidated that you so know so much about me.
I strive to be as honest in person as I am on my blog.. but when I have time to edit my thoughts and carefully place them down (usually), how do I appear?
It doesn't matter.

This blaahhg in general is a selfish tool use in order to focus myself, visualizing my goals of well being.
Deep thoughts tonight.

Tonight I had an amazing teacher. Not just an instructor but a teacher. I don't get a lot of feedback in the yoga room. I usually keep to myself but a part of me is constantly trying to make my asanas better and CRAVES the criticism and correction of someone who knows better, ie my teacher tonight.

It started with Pranayama at the beginning of class. Did you know you don't have to START with your elbows together? Well tonight I was disabused of the notion that you do. I am happy to learn something new. He also said that the Sanskrit meaning of the word 'asana' means to be be still with normal breath (within a posture).

I am happy to be a student tonight.

Prana प्राण

Your breath will catch you.

What a beautiful thought.

To slow your heart rate down focus on your intake and less your exhale. When you find yourself in stressful situations, take a breath. It is there for you. always. Massaging your organs as you go through life- really.

Maybe that is what keeps our bodies going- the constant massage it gets from our breath. Laying on my stomach in Savasana our instructor suggested we let our breath go into our belly letting it message our lower back. WOW. It really does. It isn't an obvious- I am going for a massage feeling where someone is rubbing on your stiff spots- but rather a gentle affirmation of our capable body. I carry my life in this body.

In the Beginner Bikram Class there are 26 postures and 2 breathing exercises all in 90minutes. The two breathing exercises are the called 'Pranayama Series' done at the very beginning of class and then the 'Khapalbhati' which is the last pose. These are all beginner postures designed not to intimidate but rather to be accessible. I have read that some people can take one deep inhale and one exhale per asana. HA! I am definitely a beginner on this journey.

A grown man cried in class today. He was so upset because his back hurt. It hurt and he wanted it to heal. He wanted it to be better. We all want it to be better. Whatever it is, we must keep at it. Yoga is a motherwound. Keep breathing.