Breath

Last night I found my breath. Last night I didn't want to go to class at all, then I found it. I keep forgetting to open my chest in and out of the yoga room. The pressure it puts on my lower back is annoying. I must be careful with my strength. My body doesn't need to be pushed to the edge, it needs to be respected. In holding back, I have found that I can go farther. During Standing Head to Knee Pose, on my strong side, I was surprised to find that my lifted leg was weightless. The time go kick out was now. I was not afraid and I was not out of breath. This is yoga. I kicked forward calmly.

Toxic

I am in my 20s.


I just had my first precancerous/suspicious mole removed.

I had it frozen by the doc. It is on my right shoulder blade and I feel contaminated.
A dark brown circle of dead frozen skin surrounds it. I am not vain enough to think that in the hot room today, people looked at it. But I would have looked at it on someone else. I would have thought, 'that sucks.'

That would be the extent of my concern (of course barring more obvious hefty symptoms that suggested chemo).

But that wouldn't have stopped me from tanning. I still believe the sun is healthy in small doses, but I have totally abused my skin over the years.

During standing seperate leg head to knee pose, as I tried to concentrate on the shrinking fat rolls/ skin on my tummy my eyes wandered to the top of my sweaty quadriceps. Feeling sick and contaminated with damaged DNA I saw dark and sickly looking skin there and little circles of sweat forming on top of it. It was more of something from my overactive imagination but I couldn't help but feel dirty. The sweat though was clear. Detoxifying.

Healing. Not dwelling on mistakes or harmful substances or toxic thoughts that I have put in my body is what I do now.
There is no going back.

'Never regret what once made you smile'. I read that recently. Does that quote hit home even if what made you smile is harmful? Yes.
That is my answer for now as I make peace with this new aspect of me. My body finally acting out against how I once treated it.

Class was not hot enough. The instructor I had today actually taught my first class but she was lacking energy in her dialogue.

My knees crack. My back aches. But I am whole. I am so lost in class not sure where to push harder without hurting myself. I am ready to go deeper in some postures but I am apprehensive about telling an instructor to keep an eye on me and push me a little bit because if I do that- and I have an off class- I will feel like I failed.

I will go tomorrow.

**This photo is one of countless times of fun in the sun with no sunscreen. Is this when it happened?

I am the armpit bully

I entered the hot room and recognized a girl in the second row from a big conversation we had about 1 month ago. She caught my eye so I smiled.

It was a little awkward.

THEN she made a big gesture and mouthed the word 'armpit!!?'. I gestured back 'huh?'.

She pointed to her under arms and apparently thought that I was laughing at them. HOW HORRIBLE!!! I was not, I didn't even notice. I don't really look at peoples underarms unless there is a serious reason too. I made a grandiose gesture like, 'no no don't worry'. She left during Half Moon (Ardha Chandrasana). Left the room never to return.

I quickly got over it but I hope she doesn't think I am a bully. Just call me 'armpit bully kirsten.' Yup- that is how I roll.
The next time I see her I will have to clear it up.. what shall I say?

'Hey I don't know your name but I wasn't laughing at your armpits... that is what you were pointing at right?'

Oh man. Good class otherwise. Excellent class. I had Kirsten one of my most favorite instructors. She rocks. I was so strong and my body felt capable and supple. Supple is a weird word. I am still unsure in Camel (ustrasana) and keep my (cute) butt cheeks super clenched for fear of hinging too much on my vertebrate and not lifing through the chest.


Favorite Posture: Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee Pose (Dandayamana-Bibhaktapada-Janushirasana) because I was able to reach the full expression of the posture and hold it. It felt beautiful.
Least Favorite Posture: Floor Bow (Dhanurasana) because it hurts my old lady arthritis and I am apprehensive about popping my back.. like yesterday's post.
Class

If negativity breeds negativity then my negetivities are humping like bunnies

I am pooped.

Again I sat out many postures. I held back and had energy to spare by the end of class- which was cool because I 'saw' a little progress in Janushirasana with Paschimotthanasana (Head to Knee Pose). That came out of left field because I HATE that one. My body does NOT like to bend forward in that way.

Stomach Savasana (Dead body pose) was divine. I let my body sink into the floor for the full spine strengthening series (all about the healing today). The heat felt so peaceful and healthy. I just lay their and let my sore spine soak it up.

Dandayamana-Bibhaktapada-Janushirasana (Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee Pose ) was amazing. With all of my reserved strength, I was able to really dig deep in that one.

Why Not Wednesdays

Three days in a row of Bikram Yoga. If I roll out of bed and into the yoga the room via the 10:00AM circuit.. don't call me lazy because I cant seem to bring my hands together during Dandayamana-Bibhaktapada-Janushirasana (Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee Pose). Snayap. But I guess it worked- because after that I tried even harder and was able to bring them together. That still doesn't mean my legs weren't shaking and sweat was dripping into my eye. My instructor today might be one of my favorite drill sergeants.

My hamstrings screamed all class. It seems like the more days in a row I practice, the more my hamstrings hurt- especially during Dandayamana-Bibhaktapada-Paschimotthanasana (Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee Stretching Pose). I cannot seem to find a happy medium stretching during that pose where my worn out hamstrings feel protected but I can still do the pose. It is all or none with that one. This is frustrating because it is hard to progress when you are sore and afraid to push through.

During the Savasana between first and second set of Ustrasana (Camel Pose), my instructor- the one deeming us all lazy decided that today- Wednesday is a 'Why not Wednesday!?' What does that mean? It means we get to hold the pose for twice as long. Last post I set my intention to work on my posture.. and this pose especially helps with it. I guess the Universe was listening.

I am so tired. My body wrung out. My cat likes to practice yoga when I come home from class. She is round like a coconut.