Birthday Shred

What kind of yogi am I? It has been super hard maintaining a regular practice. Sure, I am hard on myself but my sights are set on Teacher Training in April and I've gotta get it together. Our recent move to a new city puts us 30 minutes from Whistler and extra days on the mountain are killing my knees. Really, they are.

That strong Awkward Pose I used to inhabit has turned into chicken shit. Pain and through the nose doggy panting in the hot room and heavy painkillers on the mountain. Yes, I stop when I my body tells me too but only after I get my runs in. How true is it that you don't often appreciate what you have until after it is gone. I am talking about health.

On the other hand, all of the hip opening and space created in my vertebral column make my body feel loose and free on the mountain. I get to a steep line and instead of backtracking, I tell myself to breathe. Now, just to fix that knee.

The reality is that my knee will never be fixed and I enjoy sports. It's like hitting your head against the wall and then complaining that you have a headache. For now the plan is to shred, loose a couple pounds, and bikram it up until the knee is as good as it is going to get (which ain't good.)

Imperturbable

It will take evaluation of my post surgery body, sweat, a leap of faith, and a lot of help from my husband but Bikram Yoga Teacher Training next year is the goal.

No you haven't missed anything since my last post. I am still not back in the studio, but my path is still clear and this weekend I will get back into the hot room. Coming back with a commitment to a 30 or 60 day challenge has entered my mind but I have not committed yet.

I will bend, twist, but first and foremost I will STRETCH!

I will breathe.

It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop.
Words of Confucius

Resistance

Have you encountered someone who is confrontational about Bikram yoga? People that after never having practiced, are convinced that Bikram Yoga is B.A.D. and is not a good activity not for them.

B.A.D. (Bikram Associative Delusion)
Bikram: 26 Hatha Yoga Asanas+ 2 breathing exercises in a specific sequence
Associative: dependent on or acquired by association
Delusion: A persistent psychotic belief

I am not talking about people who are unsure and have doubts about the heat or who have put limits on their ability, I am referring to people who say, "Bikram Yoga is the worst thing you can do to your body." But they have never tried it.
I have encountered two of those people in my life. One of these people let's call her 'Omega' said those exact words. She said that her acupuncturist recommended Hatha Yoga and not Bikram Yoga. When I burst her bubble and calmly (as opposed to her suddenly heated resistance the suggestion that it might help her many health conditions) that Bikram Yoga is in fact Hatha Yoga.. she did not absorb it and became almost belligerent in her attempt to stick to her guns.

I could feel her internal temperature rising and changed the subject.

The second person who I encountered with strong feelings against Bikram Yoga was a man I shall call, 'The Reactivist'. He tried Bikram yoga once but felt very strongly that it was not 'real yoga' that it was not conducive to his transcendence.. or something like this. His contempt for Bikram Yoga as palatable and again I changed the subject.

I guess it all comes down to resistance. But what exactly are they resisting?

It is easier to believe what you think than to think about what you believe.

Back on the wagon

My last two classes are proof that I am back on the wagon. The Bikram wagon! With all other sports, even when I get tired of doing them... ie running I can still run as far as the day before even if my heart isn't in it. With Bikram yoga when, when one thing is off, my entire class can so easily go awry. Putting the past week in perspective- it doesn't seem like a big deal that I had a couple of off classes. So what if I lost my drive to go. But at that time, it felt like all hope was lost. I was off the wagon, never to recover. The end of the world.

Victoria taught my first class back in December. She also taught my class today. She went easy on us and let quite a bit of fresh air in. I was in the hot corner of the room so I didn't reap all the benefits of that cool rush. The first back bend of class during Ardha Chandrasana was magnificent! I definitely can't always go that far back.. especially in the morning. But today and last class too- both at 8PM, I could see my reflection in the glass window behind me. I feel my strong back opening up as how I used my arms to guide my body back and down. My arms are the compass in that asana. They are really driving me forward.. well back... but forward. I am more excited and less fearful.

My expression of Dandayamana-Janushirasana is still not that deep. My goal each time is to simply hold the asana with leg suspended but bent for the first 60 seconds. I try to kick at least 1X during the second set. Sure this is working for me, but I don't see much progress here.

I felt strong and confident during Trikonasana. With my strong class and extra fresh air I was really able to reach for the ceiling, open my chest, and push my hip down. I didn't cheat today!

I did not have that nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach during Ustrasana. Instead I pushed my hips forward, made my chest big and proud like a lioness, and sang to the mountains! Well.. not really because it was still hot in there- don't get me wrong.


I have two concerns. Firstly, I am finding that my legs and harms go numb more easily while I am sleeping and while I am sitting at a desk. This is disconcerting and for some reason I link it to my yoga practice. Secondly- I repeatedly have to suppress the urge to pee during class. I make sure to go right before but for some reason the urge gets magnified. Maybe too much info.. maybe some has the same problems?

**The photograph is of me (left) and my friend Karolyn (right). She is the one who introduced my to Bikram Hatha Yoga.

I am so sore

It is a rainy day in Vancouver. The rain here does not come fast and furious. Instead it comes slow, steady, and unrelenting. It is August 31 and fall is definitely here. Rainy Vancouver is a place all its own.

Today in yoga I broke through years of defeat. Because, you see up until today, I had given up the good fight of accepting the fate of a crappy day.

I live with a restless and heavy rock. Usually it sits there unmoving ever-present. Today it stirred. It rears its ugly head making my energy heavy and stagnant. I held my triangle, did not leave the room during floor series, and gave that dark rock the middle finger during camel pose. Whatever I am feeling, it is Ustrasana that always magnifies the feeling or issue positive or negative. Ustrasana shoves it right in my face. If I fall out, I loose. Mind over body. It is just a rock. I begin to chip away at it.

Class was hot. Two students left. One never came back, I see him in class all the time and really enjoy his presence. He has some type of birth defect giving him a lame right and not quite normal left leg. Regardless of his physical limitations, his body is so full of yoga. I really enjoy watching his flexibility and strength throughout class as he accommodates but doesn’t fold to his condition. He inspires me to overcome. Is it easier to overcome physical limitations than mental ones? With pain so obviously defined by physiological problems in your body versus indefinable rocks that just won’t move?

Like a flower

When you instructor won't stop talking about the humidity/heat/cooling problems in the room, it makes it awfully hard to tell yourself that she is the the one who is delusional. But she was! Yes I was by the humidifier and yes it was hotter than normal, but I have enough problems trying to tolerate myself in the heat without the instructor saying, 'Kirsten if you can't handle it by the humidifer- then you can move over here to this corner.' I stayed in the room.

I had a soft class. My body feels so stiff today. Is possible to get less flexible? After six months of Bikrams, I have hit a point where I feel less flexible in different poses. What I attribute this too is my body realigning. I have pushed myself and now- as my joints and spine realign, my body is regenerating and I am having to go through the struggles with flexibility all over again pushing into the poses with my newly aligned body. This only a theory.

During Dhanurasana (Bow Pose) I still fall out- often, but I am able find a deep expression of it. Dhanurasana is a beautiful expression of the body and when I look at myself in the mirror, I see that I am on my way to a an even deeper and fuller expression. What a unique feeling to kick in that pose. The back leg doesn't just go up there the more flexible you get.. you really have to kick it. Determination is my friend here. My body changing and accommodating the pose as the seconds tick by. It is not my favorite pose, but it can be very satisfying.

I will not be practicing for about a week. With a new tattoo on my foot, I have to stay away from the studio for 1+week. I am not excited about that part as I have really been moving forward on my path of well being. I read an article explaining why Bikram is against tattooing of the body, as it is not our body but our spirit's body, thus not ours to 'defile'. I have mixed feelings about this, I see the point. But I still love my new ink. It is a symbol of me blooming, growing, and committing to well being.

Over the next week, I will be reading A History of Yoga by Vivian Worthington. Wish me luck, it is a heavy one!

Like the bolt busted loose from the lever

Today was simply impossible. I am so overly irritated with myself. Angry at my mother wound. Stinky mat and big boobs. Today I have too much to say. I have said enough.

I dare you to move

Today's class was one of the hottest and draining classes I have done. First of all, I have not been taking care of myself- body/mind for the past week. Recovering from cold, still sunburned, and partying for the past two days did not help. I was dehydrated and after sitting out the entire spine strengthening series, I decided I was ready to leave the room.

Everything was shifty and I felt like I was going to faint or fall asleep- somewhere in between there. Sweat was dripping off my body in a steady stream even though I had been sitting poses out in an effort to find some energy and will to push through the labored breathing and weak muscles I had today. We had two beginners in class and the instructor would not let one of them leave, she told her to sit down and do whatever she needed to do on her mat except leave it. So I knew that if I was going to leave, it would have to be when she had her attention on another student.

Up until this day I have not yet left the room, mind and body working to power through and grow from any feeling of frustration tempting me to leave. But today I was ready. On my back, helpless and looking like the ghost of yoga past- I looked to the instructor and shook my head as if to say I'd had enough. Her response was, 'you cannot leave you have to set an example for other students'. She got me some fresh cold water and I continued to labor.

I did stay in the room for the full 90 minutes today, and this was the hardest thing of all. Harder than trying to straighten the leg or go back.. way back. The longer I laid there on my back in Savasana (Dead Body Pose), I started to think about how generally lazy and unmotivated I can be. I will lay in bed/sit on couch until the cows come home when I have a lot to do. Refusing to move forward and get up and do what needs to be done. The tasks in front of me too great I lay or sit defeated and unwilling. I am not saying that this is what I did today in class as I was truly struggling. I am saying that I believe in chance and I also believe that things/events/state of mind can happen for a reason. I don't enjoy being frozen and so often it is how I am. Today I was frozen in a hot room.

Not one pose

I sat out not one pose last night. That's right, I did all 26 poses and did not fall out early or sit one out. My intention for class was to sweat it out. I felt like I was getting sick. I learned a valuable lesson, if you have a severe sunburn then it is not always best to practice.

Once on the floor for the second part of class I looked down to find my skin blistering. I had never seen anything quite like it so during Pavanamuktasana (Wind Removing Pose) I was distracted and pushed on my skin to find that the blisters would move around with moisture (sweat) under them.

My instructor noticed my sudden lack of concentration and because it wasn't painful, she said it was safe to stay in the room. I believe the sweat was good for my skin and firmly believe it speed up the healing process but just because it blisters doesn't mean you should go home and peel it. As with so many things, yoga teaches me not to force.

I feel a connection with this pose as it realigns my spine and my body always surprises me in a new way. Never forcing my alignment, I believe this pose hold many truths not yet uncovered.

As for my idea to sweat it out, I did not stay hydrated and woke up mid night gagging for water. Seriously, I was actually gagging- so I did sweat something out last night! My body is so stressed out right now, I feel my health is not at its best. Yoga is a tool for me to stay focused on my long term goals - not getting lost in the short term ones. Right now these short term ones are pulling at me. I am sick, my spine is sore, my legs hurt, my body is sunburned with open wound. My body if forcing me to find a peace that I cannot quite grasp right now. Forcing myself to lay down while my body heals itself is difficult because I feel like I have so many things to do.

Concentration

Today I went to a new studio. I did not notice a humidifier in the room and the floor was carpet instead of the normal spaghetti stuff that I am used to. During the the standing series we faced the front mirrors the entire time, even through Trikasana (Triangle Pose) which was hard because my feet kept slipping on the carpet. Bikram says that he could do these poses on ice but.. I am not Bikram!

The different studio gave me a different perspective. I realize my strength and how much my body has changed since starting this journey. There were several students close to finishing their 60 day challenge. I have never done this as my home studio does not push you but rather encourages you to push yourself. I would like to.

One thing I really liked about the studio is that virtues concentration, patience, determination, ect. were written above the front mirrors. I stood in front of the concentration section and focused on doing just that. One thing I did not like about the studio is that it was on the second floor. I like my feet to be closer to the earth when I practice. It was a good class and I sweat more than I have in a while.

It is good for you.

My legs twisted like a pretzel today in Garurasana (eagles pose). I have always been capable of compressing them with toes hooked on calf, but never able to point my toes down.. today I am one step closer. I find that I can only fully engage in this pose when I consciously tighten my stomach muscles. What a difference this makes, without tightening my muscles I look like a fat pigeon. With tightened stomach muscles, I am proud. I especially enjoyed the sensation of pulling down on my elbows today. My elbows are the key to loosening up my shoulders and upper back. I think these are called the the trapezius muscles.

I can confidently look forward during Tuladandasana (balancing stick pose). I started by focusing on the logo on my towel until one day and instructor said, "Kirsten look forward" <-- I fell. Then I began glancing forward occasionally. Now I am able to look forward for the full ten seconds of glory that is Tulandandasana.


Padangustasana (toes stand) is forever a challenge for me. My knees are weak and so is my mind. When I attempt the pose my knees feel like they are too small for my body. Today I did not push myself far in this asana.

Is it possible to be too proud in Trikanasana (triangle pose)? My chest broke free towards the ceiling, I felt so strong as my arms pulled me in opposite directions, but after coming out of the pose my back felt wrong. I hold my stress, worries, and concerns, in my back muscles. What is my body telling me today? My mind told my body to stop but an instructor once said that too often we stop at the first sign of discomfort when our body is perfectly capable of working through it. I was not able to do that today. Ouch.