I am in my 20s.

I just had my first precancerous/suspicious mole removed.

I had it frozen by the doc. It is on my right shoulder blade and I feel contaminated.
A dark brown circle of dead frozen skin surrounds it. I am not vain enough to think that in the hot room today, people looked at it. But I would have looked at it on someone else. I would have thought, 'that sucks.'

That would be the extent of my concern (of course barring more obvious hefty symptoms that suggested chemo).

But that wouldn't have stopped me from tanning. I still believe the sun is healthy in small doses, but I have totally abused my skin over the years.

During standing seperate leg head to knee pose, as I tried to concentrate on the shrinking fat rolls/ skin on my tummy my eyes wandered to the top of my sweaty quadriceps. Feeling sick and contaminated with damaged DNA I saw dark and sickly looking skin there and little circles of sweat forming on top of it. It was more of something from my overactive imagination but I couldn't help but feel dirty. The sweat though was clear. Detoxifying.

Healing. Not dwelling on mistakes or harmful substances or toxic thoughts that I have put in my body is what I do now.
There is no going back.

'Never regret what once made you smile'. I read that recently. Does that quote hit home even if what made you smile is harmful? Yes.
That is my answer for now as I make peace with this new aspect of me. My body finally acting out against how I once treated it.

Class was not hot enough. The instructor I had today actually taught my first class but she was lacking energy in her dialogue.

My knees crack. My back aches. But I am whole. I am so lost in class not sure where to push harder without hurting myself. I am ready to go deeper in some postures but I am apprehensive about telling an instructor to keep an eye on me and push me a little bit because if I do that- and I have an off class- I will feel like I failed.

I will go tomorrow.

**This photo is one of countless times of fun in the sun with no sunscreen. Is this when it happened?

No comments:

Post a Comment