Pacific Standard Time

*Art by Anthony Sekyere

I ask myself today at the 530 class, why don't I go deeper here in this posture. The following responses came to me: because it will look ugly, I don't want to loose control, even if I don't go deeper I can be proud of my good form.

I realize that I must learn to trust the asana and more importantly trust myself. I want to have an ugly class. An ugly class of sweat, and not pointed toes, with a standing head to knee where I actually kick out.. becuase I can. I don't kick out there usually because I do get something from the posture but I am ready to get more.

I am ready to fall deeper into postures but kind of don't know how. I see my grips are so tight in many postures. A white knuckle grip to match the control I am afraid to let go of.

This is a new place for me in the hot room. I keep going back to this memory I have. I was on the diving team in high school and the time came to learn a new dive. You jump of the board facing forward then flip backward. So essentially a back flip but after jumping off the board facing front.

Time after time, went for the flip and chickened out. I couldn't let go. I didn't trust myself. Here, the stakes were higher in an immediate hit your head on the diving board or wind up smacking the water in a belly flop sort of way. I still cannot do that dive. In other words, I plateaued.

The stakes are more real in yoga. They are more real in that this is my life. It is time to trust myself. But how? What if I don't know how far is too far. What if I fail this idealized vision of the yogi so calm and collected, what if I fail? What if I spend too much energy in the early postures and wind up in Savasana for the last part of class (one of my past-times). What if I am not strong enough.

I have always loved teachers that drive the philosophy that yoga is a journey (hence theme of my blog). The philosophy that it is good to embrace where your body is for the day, but sometimes I want to push it a little more.