Paradise Circus

Back on the bike and riding to yoga this morning for the 10AM class, excitement and curiosity filled my chest. Excitement for my first class in over a week and getting back on track. Curiosity at how my body would feel. Yoga makes it easy to be curious.

First pose, first day back, Pranayama - my elbows together in front of my chest, the deepest breath I have had in a while. My body willing and ready to practice- unadulterated joy filled me. There I said it 'undulterated joy'- I have always wanted to say it and mean it- no strings attached- joy and health filled me. I smiled all all the way through the first breathing series- probably looking a little cookey?

Joy and smiles- feeling my body and not just going through the motions. It wasn't long that this lasted. During Trikonasana (Triangle pose)that I was having trouble catching my breath. This pose is one of the heights of hard work in the Bikram series. You have built up to this pose only to realize you need to give more than you thought you had or were planning on. You use your muscles, lungs, chest, will power, balance, and determination to make it better each time. The more often I practice, the more my strength helps here- you do not have to be flexible to try this pose.

My heart in my chest beating so fast I could hear the thumps. I was scared. I continued onto Tuladandasana (Balancing Stick Pose) which really gets your cardiovascular system working in overdrive (don't forget to balance while your panting). Nauseous, sweating, dizzy. I made my self get up for tree, I needed the confidence this pose inspires. It helps me to bring my thoughts back to my own eyes. Pavanamuktasana (Wind Removing pose) and my hips joints were stiff and pinched in a way that reflected how I have been neglecting my body for the past couple of days. Abusing it and taking it for granted in so many ways. Killing brain cells and living to be less. Nauseous, someone left the room.

How could I leave the room- Roxy will yell at me.. What are you doing!? Sit back down! It's better if you stay. I got up and left. She let me. I sat out a couple minutes. Let the cold fresh water from my water bottle fill me. How was I going to go back into that room. What would she say? Perfect in my imperfection and perfect in my body perfectly where I am supposed to be. I finished class. It wasn't as hot when I went back in.

I assumed the relief that I would feel when I left the yoga room would be heavenly and all that is good- instead it was just air. Yes the cold water was needed but the air wasn't any better outside than it was inside. I finished my class. I still feel like a wet noodle a couple of hours later. I will go tomorrow. I will not have a beer tonight. I will sleep earlier tonight. I will have a healthy dinner. I will practice tomorrow.

I was talking to a guy today outside the yoga room- he was probably in his mid-late 60s. Just like my mom and dad. It is all about attitude. It is all about staying on top of your shit. It is not about getting old. It is about staying active and not having expectations.

I am happy to get back to going forward.